July 4, 2011 - Day #31

Amazing weekend and amazing day today! Riker's white blood cell count (WBC) has been good so we were allowed to leave the hospital as I hoped :)

On Saturday, we were able to leave the pediatric wing and go down to the courtyard for family photos. We were only away for just over an hour but it was so good for our overall morale. A close family friend was able to come to the hospital and we should have some wonderful photos to mark this part of our lives together. I feel so relieved and blessed that we now have family photos! It always seems like you'll have plenty of time. I don't know how I'd ever live with myself if I lost Riker and didn't have a single family photo to look back on.

Then today, we celebrated the 4th of July as a family with our closest friends IN THE PARK! Such a simple thing, holding my baby while the breeze blew through the trees. Such an amazing thing that no mother should ever take for granted! The day was wonderful - we had barbeque and salads and did normal things that normal families do on a beautiful summer day. I could not have even imagined it better than it happened :)

Tomorrow we are back to reality. Tomorrow marks day 28 of Riker's first round of chemo. If she is doing well, tomorrow marks day 1 of her second round of chemo. She will be sedated in the morning for her lumbar puncture and bone marrow sample and then chemo will start later that evening.

I woke up yesterday with a bit of a cough. I hoped it would clear up quickly and was caused by the dry air in the hospital. Today, it got a lot worse and as the day wore on I became tired and achy. In order to take care of myself, I came home from the hospital tonight and will not likely be at Riker's procedures tomorrow. I feel so guilty! I know that I am doing the best for her by staying away and taking care of myself. However, I also feel like I should be there. My life is a series of these decisions and I feel guilty no matter what path I choose.

Let's hope that my symptoms let up tomorrow and let's hope that Riker's procedures go well. Let's hope that she is able to tolerate the chemo again and that when we get her test results back, that she is in remission.