3 months, 3 weeks since diagnosis
day #6 of current hospital stay
days until transplant - 4
Riker is really starting to feel the effects of the chemo. She's tired all the time and needs regular doses of ativan for nausea and irritability. She is such a fighter, though. She's been up playing every afternoon and even gives us a few smiles and giggles despite the bags under her dull, tired eyes.
Last night, while getting a couple of her oral meds, she vomited for the first time in over a month. As I held her in my arms, feeling her body tense up and watching her struggle for breath, I felt so helpless. I am poisoning my beautiful, strong, perfect baby. I can do nothing but watch her suffer and try to comfort her in anyway that I can. I KNOW this is for the best in the long run. Good parents always do what's best no matter how much it hurts. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you", right? And the truth is it does HURT - worse than anything I've ever felt.
The good news is that she still is eating even if it isn't as much as it was. She's still gaining weight. She does not have any sores yet and her bottom looks perfect. I know that it will change in the near future but I hold on to the fact that she's still doing as well as we could hope for at this particular moment in time.
Please, please, please keep updating. I know you were wavering on whether or not you should. While reading the updates breaks my heart, it helps me feel like I am closer to you and Riker. Like I am here for you, in some way, no matter how small. I'm so happy that I found you from our iVillage board, and was able to get you to join our March Monkeys board. Please know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for your princesses, AND for you. I wish more than anything that cancer didn't exist, and that children didn't have to suffer like Riker and Tyler are now. I can honestly say that there is love in my heart for you and your family. Sending love and huge hugs your way...
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