Sunday, August 14, 2011

August 13, 2011

2 months, 1 week, and 1 day since diagnosis
day #13 of current hospital stay
Today was the last day I will breastfeed my baby. I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't hurt. It does - badly. I breastfed Valentine for 15 months. It was important to me for but no so much as it is for Riker. She's my baby. Likely my last. I wanted to enjoy this for a long time. I wanted to enjoy a lot of things, though. Nothing has been as I planned it. But, this was one of the few things that I have been able to enjoy over the first 6 months of her short life. This is one of the few things that she can be comforted by and that I get enjoyment out of. It's our special time. I know that I will hear all kinds of words of comfort, telling me to not feel bad and that it's ok. I know all of that. I still am saddened and angered that I am being robbed of yet another piece of parenting my little girl. It's all worth it but I am still struggling and I am allowed to be upset by all of this.
I have felt like Riker has done so well through all of this because of our breastfeeding. I am irrationally afraid that she will not do as well if she's not nursing. Sure, she'll still get pumped milk so that should be just as good. How much of it is the happiness and comfort she gets from me, though? I am so scared that by changing even this small thing that she will not do as well.
She'll be 6 months old in a couple of days. Many mothers don't make it past the first few weeks. Riker will be upset for a very short time before she adjusts and then forgets. That's the great thing about babies. She'll likely not have any memories of anything she's going through. Plus, I will continue to pump. I have nearly a thousand ounces saved up for her right now and I should be able to give her pumped milk until she's at least 9 months old. That's my current goal.


  1. You absolutely have an understandable right to feel sad and upset. I am sending you a long distance hug from one mother to another. I know how much that breastfeeding bond means to both mother and baby and feel for you during this, yet another, bump in your road. Hugs dear bloggy friend.

  2. Oh Tory....I am very empathetic to your situation right now. I know how special that bond is between mother and nursing baby and yes it is more than just a nutritional component that you are providing her. Breaking off that emotional close-time with your baby prematurely has got to be so painful. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are in my heart right now, as always, but this obviously is especially hard. Thinking of you....xoxo Mika