5 months, 4 weeks, 1 day since diagnosis
73 days away from home
Last night it hit me how much I miss Valentine. As I was crawling into bed, I saw her picture and I was crippled with the ache of her absence. Her constant absence over the last 6 months. She was only 2 and a half when Riker was diagnosed. Now she's 3. I will never get those 6 months back. I will never see my baby girl grow from a 2 year old to a 3 year old. Every time I see her she looks bigger and talks better. Every time I see her she is older and more mature.
I know we'll get over it. I know that she won't remember it in clear detail when she's older. But I also know that I will never forget. I will always know that, in order to give Riker what she needed, I had to steal time from Valentine. My time with Riker has been a precious gift - time I never would have had if she'd been healthy. But I was still robbed of my time with Valentine.
I haven't been sleeping. I find myself waking minutes after I drift off, heart pounding, ice in my veins... that awful feeling that something has gone wrong or that I've forgotten something important. Last night was no exception - even worse, yet. I tossed and turned for hours before I found sleep and as soon as I did, I was awake again.
I only hope my nightmares end when I am home again.