Sunday, December 4, 2011

December 3 & 4, 2011 - Day 63 & 64

5 months, 4 weeks, 1 day since diagnosis
73 days away from home

Last night it hit me how much I miss Valentine. As I was crawling into bed, I saw her picture and I was crippled with the ache of her absence. Her constant absence over the last 6 months. She was only 2 and a half when Riker was diagnosed. Now she's 3. I will never get those 6 months back. I will never see my baby girl grow from a 2 year old to a 3 year old. Every time I see her she looks bigger and talks better. Every time I see her she is older and more mature.

I know we'll get over it. I know that she won't remember it in clear detail when she's older. But I also know that I will never forget. I will always know that, in order to give Riker what she needed, I had to steal time from Valentine. My time with Riker has been a precious gift - time I never would have had if she'd been healthy. But I was still robbed of my time with Valentine.

I haven't been sleeping. I find myself waking minutes after I drift off, heart pounding, ice in my veins... that awful feeling that something has gone wrong or that I've forgotten something important. Last night was no exception - even worse, yet. I tossed and turned for hours before I found sleep and as soon as I did, I was awake again.

I only hope my nightmares end when I am home again.

2 comments:

  1. Yes Tory you lost that time with Valentine BUT you gave something to Riker that will never be forgotten.
    I remember being in that hospital all by myself and as an adult being terrified Riker had you by her side the whole time. And Valentine knows that you are helping her little sister.

    Renelle

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