Tuesday, December 20, 2011

December 10 & 11, 2011 - Day 70 & 71

6 months, 6 days since diagnosis

We are finally home :)

We got home late last night and the last two days are a complete haze. I am still trying to find all my things and get used to living at my parents. It's odd being home and yet not being home. I knew it would be hard but I'm still surprised at how difficult it is to get used to this change. On the long list of changes, it feels like it should be the easiest. Odd how the closer we get to "normal" the harder the changes seem.

Suddenly, I am not only a full time nurse and mother of a 9 month old but now I also am a full time mother of a very demanding 3 year old. I am trying to reconnect with a husband I haven't been around much for 6 months. I am trying to contribute to laundry and dishes and the endless cleaning that a house requires, especially one that houses a sick child. I am trying to be polite and clean up since I am living in my parents' house. It's great to be back but it's not easy.

My parents bought a new house about 5 years ago so I've never lived here and I feel like a guest. They have been bending over backwards to make us all feel welcome and to help us settle in. I feel ungrateful saying that I desperately wish I was in my own home; especially with all the help my parents have been giving me.

I went back to my house to gather a few things and I just cried.... and cried. It's just a house... but I have called it home for years. While I lived there, I graduated college, got married, and had both my babies. It is full of memories and it is full of our stuff. It's just stuff. After what my family has been through, this is not important. And yet, it is. I cannot describe the emotional battle I have within me... the mourning I still experience for that "other" life we had.

The house we had put an offer on flooded. Seriously. 4 inches of water over the entire basement. The bank hired a property management company and they shut off the sump pump. Now, they're ignoring the problem and the walls are soaking up all that icy cold water. We're back to square one looking for a house.

For now, I am focusing on what's important. My family is together. My family is together for the holidays. My family is healthy. My 3 year old is 1 bedroom over and she is amazing. My baby girls adore each other. We have so much love. It's not hard to count my blessings.

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