Monday, November 28, 2011

November 27 & 28, 2011 - Day 57 & 58

5 months, 3 weeks, 2 days since diagnosis
67 days away from home

It hit me today. Riker's going to live. She's not completely out of the woods, yet, but chances are that my baby girl is going to make it. Visions of holidays and birthdays and proms pass before my eyes. I am now thinking about the joys and the heart aches that she will some day know. She's going to be our miracle and she's going to make it.

I can't say that the fear of relapse doesn't haunt me completely. I have to remind myself that, although it could happen, it's not likely to happen. I need to stay positive and continue to enjoy every moment - every gift that my sweet girls give me.

Riker is doing better everyday. Our GI appointment and clinic visit today were simple and routine. She looks great, her labs are great... she's doing great. What was managing critical bone marrow transplant/cancer issues has become managing normal baby issues. Riker has been an absolute delight - playing most of the day, laughing and engaging me. Riker has also started to fight sleeping! How frustrating to have her wake every hour all night long but how reassuring that she only wants to play. Do I really have a normal 9 month old? What a change this is. It is definitely worth the frustration.

Now, the lure of home is much closer. Soon, we'll be sent over 100 miles away from Boston and the hospital that has saved Riker's life. I am scared and hopeful. And my heart aches to have a place to call home when we get there. I crave being snuggled into our warm house decorating a Christmas tree and drinking cocoa with the girls. The house we want to call home is so close that I can taste it. The bank just needs to respond to our offer! In reality, though, they probably will not answer prior to the new year. The holidays are not a good time to get anything done in the corporate world.

But, I will continue to hope because I want to come home and stay home. I don't want to keep moving my family about. Valentine and Riker both need stability so that they can grow and so that we all can heal. Now that Riker's body is healing, we need to turn our attention to our battered family. I need to give Valentine the attention she's been lacking from her mother and help her work though the abandonment issues she's surely developed. I need to reintroduce Valentine to her sister and make sure that they are not resentful or scared of each other. I need to repair what months of separation and severe stress has done to my marriage.

"You were sick, but now you're well, and there's work to do." ~Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake


  1. Tori. You've been so brave through all that has happened to your family. Please don't forget about all the wonderful family therapists that are out there that can help you and your family repair all that will need to be repaired in your relationships. Let some other people help take care of you now. You deserve some extra help.