5 months, 1 week, 5 days since diagnosis
56 days away from home
day #2 of current hospital stay
I had another melt down today. Riker's still in the hospital. For all intents and purposes, there have been no changes. Their close to managing her sodium levels and will be adding sodium to her feeds. I think we'll be discharged tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
The attending on is the same attending who's been on for nearly 2 weeks. She's the very attending who saw us through my worries about Riker. She was going to discharge us last Friday and every day after that until we were finally discharged on Tuesday. I don't think she's a fan of me and I'm most certainly not a fan of hers.
She was not pleased that I did not call when Riker threw up. She wasn't very gentle about telling, me either and made me feel like a failure. Only 14 hours out of the hospital and I didn't make the cut. She also asked me about how I mixed the formula and requested that I spend the night at the hospital so they could "watch me" take care of Riker. She wanted to make sure I could properly measure and mix the formula. She made me feel very small.
I ended up in Riker's very empty hospital room sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out. Riker was sitting on my lap also bawling her eyes out. Then one of the nurses came and and took her from me and told me to go take a walk. I felt like a crazy person. A couple other nurses came in and they were all looking at me funny. They told me that they didn't think I was crazy. They told me that they thought I was strong and that I was capable and blah blah blah.
Well, now my confidence is shaken. It wasn't very strong in the first place. Being home with a sick baby who needs round the clock meds and feeds off a constant pump that puts food directly into her belly is far from easy. I feel like I might not be able to do it. I really don't think I'm strong enough after all. I feel like throwing in the towel.
Clearly, I will not do that. I will keep moving ahead on step at a time. But I'm tired. I'm so tired.