Tuesday, November 15, 2011

November 12 & 13, 2011 - Day 42 & 43

5 months, 1 week, 1 day since diagnosis
day #52 of current hospital stay

Riker's G-tube pain has resolved itself as it healed but she's still crying all the time. I'm tired and I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I'm starting to feel like maybe the cancer is back. It's irrational - none of the tests show it - but I have nothing rational to hold on to. I'm starting to feel like a crazy person. Why is she crying all the time?

I know that transplant takes a lot out of people. I know she's tired. I know food in her belly is probably making her feel kinda icky. I know she's probably teething. Maybe starting to feel some separation anxiety. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things. She's always smiled through the worst of things. What's a little teething to a girl who's been through chemo?

Maybe I'm just being unrealistic. Her nurse today agreed with me, though. She felt like I shouldn't be going home either. But the doctors are ready for me to be discharged. They're humoring me at this point. Trying to give me more time to be comfortable. But the problem isn't that I'm scared to leave - the problem is that I don't know what to do with a baby who cries and sleeps all day. She's not a newborn. Maybe I need to treat her like one?

I feel lost and confused. I hope that I find answers soon.

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