5 months, 1 week, 5 days since diagnosis
56 days away from home
day #2 of current hospital stay
I had another melt down today. Riker's still in the hospital. For all intents and purposes, there have been no changes. Their close to managing her sodium levels and will be adding sodium to her feeds. I think we'll be discharged tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
The attending on is the same attending who's been on for nearly 2 weeks. She's the very attending who saw us through my worries about Riker. She was going to discharge us last Friday and every day after that until we were finally discharged on Tuesday. I don't think she's a fan of me and I'm most certainly not a fan of hers.
She was not pleased that I did not call when Riker threw up. She wasn't very gentle about telling, me either and made me feel like a failure. Only 14 hours out of the hospital and I didn't make the cut. She also asked me about how I mixed the formula and requested that I spend the night at the hospital so they could "watch me" take care of Riker. She wanted to make sure I could properly measure and mix the formula. She made me feel very small.
I ended up in Riker's very empty hospital room sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out. Riker was sitting on my lap also bawling her eyes out. Then one of the nurses came and and took her from me and told me to go take a walk. I felt like a crazy person. A couple other nurses came in and they were all looking at me funny. They told me that they didn't think I was crazy. They told me that they thought I was strong and that I was capable and blah blah blah.
Well, now my confidence is shaken. It wasn't very strong in the first place. Being home with a sick baby who needs round the clock meds and feeds off a constant pump that puts food directly into her belly is far from easy. I feel like I might not be able to do it. I really don't think I'm strong enough after all. I feel like throwing in the towel.
Clearly, I will not do that. I will keep moving ahead on step at a time. But I'm tired. I'm so tired.
praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteDear Tory:
ReplyDeleteYou will be able to make it! Look at how far you've come. You have been put through so many challenges and have passed them all with flying colors. I can't imagine how hard it must be to provide around the clock care...you are now expected to take over a job that multiple nurses and other medical techs did together. I'm sure it will be a huge adjustment to figure out how to do all this, but just trust that you will be able to do it! You are such as strong mama. Ignore that Attending, as he/she probably has NO idea how hard it is to do all that alone. We'll continue to pray for you all and hope that things get a little easier.
I feel sad for her. The attending, I mean. She must not be a very compassionate person because there was no need to make you feel inadequate. I'd like to think she may have so much pressure and responsibilities that she put all that burden on your shoulders. Lucky her, at least she can go home and get a break. You can't. You have been faced with an incredible trial that would make the strongest man cry. You are an amazing mom. You are just tired, overwhelmed, emotionally, physically and mentally drained.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You ARE a great mom. Riker couldn't have chosen a better mom. Just take one day at the time. Tomorrow it will be another day.
Many blessings and love to you both.
Iliana