October 14, 2011 - Day 13

4 months, 1 week, 2 days since diagnosis
day #22 of current hospital stay

I almost passed out today. Riker's mouth has started to bleed so badly that I actually felt weak while trying to suction her. I didn't expect the bleeding to get so much worse - I thought it would get better. The blood pools in her mouth so thick and bright red. She begins to choke and starts to cough and spits blood everywhere. There is so much of it. And you can see chunks of flesh hanging from every part of her little month. It's horrible and for just a moment, I couldn't cope with it and I had to sit down. For just a moment, I had to let the nurse take care of her because I couldn't. And even though it was only a moment, I feel just awful about it. Moms don't get to have moments.

I suppose the bleeding has gotten worse because Riker is starting to feel better. She's started doing the cute "sucking thing" she does while she's sleeping, sucking on her bottom lip like a newborn. She has been putting her hands and toys in her mouth again. She's ripping apart all those sores and tearing off the scabs. Oh... and it's so awful...

I only clean her really well twice a day. Not that it matters anyway. As soon as I tediously clean most of the blood from her face, she's smearing a fresh bright red coat of it on her face and clothes. Cleaning it only makes it bleed more. It only aggravates her and causes her to rub her mouth and face more.

Still, the doctors are not concerned. She was giving more platelets today just to be on the safe side even though her levels were not very low. Riker continues to act stronger and is awake just a little bit more. She is also demanding to play more. It's nice to see even though it's also horrific to see. Mom puts on a brave face for her little girl, though. I promise you, little Riker, I will take care of you... I will not have any more "moments." I will always look through everything and see the beautiful little girl in there.