4 months since diagnosis
day #14 of current hospital stay
I don't know how people do this. I am going to collapse under this horrific pressure. I feel like I've been running this marathon for too long and it's only just begun. With every horror we put behind us, we have a new one to face... a greater and far scarier one. People tell me, "it's only for a little while" and "it will be over soon" and "it will all be worth it." But, for me, this is a lifetime. I know that it will be over some day and that it will all be worth it. But, right now, I can't hear that. Right now, I'm falling apart.
Riker is increasing amounts of pain. Her wakeful times are less pleasant and she is clearly uncomfortable. She's needed extra boosts of morphine on several occasions and her constant amount has been increased all ready. She's begun to look puffy like she did when she was in the PICU at the beginning of this all. She seems to be struggling to breath through mucus and the pain. Thankfully, her vitals remain stable and she's getting plenty of oxygen. I still worry, though. I keep looking at her, thinking that she's dying.
This evening, when the nurse woke her to change her diaper, Riker only whimpered with a weak raspy voice. The nurse gave her some more morphine and she just laid there making small noises and shaking. What an awful sight. I can barely push it from my mind.
On top of what I'm dealing with here, I am also getting very anxious about where we are going to stay when Riker and I are allowed to go home. We have still not found a place to live. Jon's kicked it up a notch and we're going to need to find some sort of solution by the end of the month. Even it's only temporary until we can find a permanent solution. I need my family. I don't know what I'll do if I can't go home to them when Riker is finally discharged.
4 months ago, my family received the worst possible news. And so here I am, now, still trying to hold it together. Still trying to take care of mom and baby. Feeling weaker and more out of control as each moment passes. What will tomorrow bring? Hopefully I can rally and find my second... or 100th?... wind. Looking for some inner strength.