Today I am spent. I feel like I have reached capacity and can no longer keep up this pace. I miss Valentine when I'm at the hospital and I miss Riker when I am home. I miss my own bed and I miss my husband. I miss my life and I'm feeling sorry for myself today.
I need to get Riker eating the proper amount of calories. I feel like this is what will end up killing her. If I cannot get her to eat, she will waste away. She will not be strong enough for the intensive chemo that she has ahead of her. I think that if I was there all the time, Riker might be able to eat what she needs to and not throw it up. I just don't know how I can manage being at the hospital 24/7. What if I can't and it does end up killing her?
After speaking with the doctors, I think we have a plan. Riker fed very well from me today and we're going to try a similiar, slower approach tonight after I leave. I thought we were going to do small feeds just like she's been getting from me, but the resident said they wanted to do continuous feeds still. I agreed to try it and I'm hoping for the best.
There is a sign in her room now that they are to call me if there are any changes in her nutrition plan. I hope she can do this.