More victories today. Riker is off oxygen and has been released from the PICU. We now have a bigger room with a bed for me to sleep in and a shower for me to wash in. The view is nice, the room is bright, and there is plenty of room for me to bring some of Riker's things and make it feel like home.
I also got to take Riker for a walk outside. The nurse laid her in a Radio Flyer wagon and I wheeled her through the hospital and out the door. It was wonderful - and it was awful. It was the first piece of real life that her and I have had together since her diagnosis and I couldn't help but wonder if it was our last. Each day is a gift now but it's difficult to appreciate it when all you can do is think about losing your baby.
After about 36 hours and a move upstairs, I needed to head home for Valentine. The guilt of leaving my baby alone in that hospital is tearing me apart. The guilt of leaving my other baby at home is tearing me apart just as badly. I don't want to miss a single thing in either of their lives. I always want to be here when they wake up crying and need me to kiss away their tears.
Today was another victory but it is bittersweet. I just want both my babies home with me... I just want my life and family back :(